Teaching the 5-3-1 Focus

We at ROC believe that parents have the most important job in our culture today. The job is challenging, confusing, and rewarding at the same time. You may feel like you are failing as a parent at times, but never let that feeling stop you from continuing to try. You may not see the results of all of your efforts until years later. In order to break through some of the confusion, we created The 5-3-1 Focus. Our motto is “prioritizing life in a complex world”. The belief behind this focus is that children need to internalize values, learn life strategies and find purpose and meaning in their lives for their own well-being and for the well-being of our society.

“The 5-3-1 Focus” highlights 5 Character Values (Honesty, Respect, Responsibility, Goodness and Self-Discipline), 3 Life Strategies (Critical Thinking, Gratitude and Resiliency) and 1 Purpose (Serving a purpose higher than yourself). We believe that parents are kids’ most important teachers. We are encouraging parents to make character development a priority in their parenting and for educators to consider these 9 character traits when designing character programs for their school. A general way to teach the 5-3-1 character traits are listed below:

Talk about each of the 9 character traits and each one’s importance. Define the meaning of the words in ways that your children will understand their meaning.
Prioritize these character factors verbally and in practice so that children know how you feel about them and know that character is more important than many other activities, experiences or material items.
Model the 9 character traits yourself.
Notice when your child is demonstrating one of the traits and reinforce his/her decision to do so with a positive comment of your own.

You can find more information on each character trait by clicking on a specific trait. We have a curriculum available at no cost for anyone to use in their youth organization, club or school. There is both a faith based version and a secular version available to those organizations that have restrictions on content. It is our belief that advancing strong character in our culture is aligned with God’s will regardless of whether it is faith based or secular based.

521 Character Traits

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Honesty

Many parents expect their children to be honest and have integrity, but never realize they need to teach both of these to their children. In teaching children at any age, it helps to define “honesty” and “integrity” and clarify what they are and what they are not. Honesty can be defined as telling “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth”. Dishonesty can be explained to include, not only lies that are spoken, but also words that are deceitful because of something that has been omitted or actions that are designed to deceive the observer. At each developmental stage of a child’s life, continue to define and clarify what honesty and integrity mean. Kids need to know that integrity, in practice, means “doing the right thing when no one is watching” and “being the same person at your core in different situations”.

When children are young, don’t expect children to understand honesty fully, let alone integrity. If they tell a lie, they may be lying, simply because it works for getting something they want or for staying out of trouble. Deal with their dishonesty by having them correct the situation and/or give them consequences for it, but avoid treating them as a “liar” or over-reacting. Recognize that it is difficult for children at all ages to be honest when they know that their honesty might “get them into trouble”. Parents must find ways to prioritize these things and make it clear that there will always be less trouble when they are honest verses dishonest. Without overacting, children must have no doubt about the importance you place on honesty.

As children get old enough, they need to understand the connection between honesty and relationships. When a child is dishonest with you, let them know that it affects the trust that you had with them, which, if not corrected, can grow to affect your overall parent-child relationship. Trust is not something that returns automatically. Quite often, trust needs to be earned back and until it has been, certain privileges may need to be suspended and then slowly built back up. Help them to understand that honesty really does feel better than dishonesty and it will affect their self-esteem in positive ways. Dishonesty is a self-esteem drainer and quite often leads to destructive behaviors down the road, which is another reason for treating it as a top priority.

Besides talking about it and prioritizing it, honesty and integrity are taught by modeling. Children watch what their parents do all of the time. They can also be taught by using reinforcement. When you see your child demonstrate honesty or integrity, summarize what you noticed and reinforce your child’s decision to be honest or act with integrity. If parents place a high value on teaching children honesty and integrity, it is a character trait that will affect them in positive ways throughout their lives.
Respect

Teaching our children respect for their parents, teachers, authority figures, adults in general and other kids, as well as respect for laws and rules, is critical to their individual character development and their well-being. Teaching them to respect others can keep them safe, as well as help them to understand that there are other factors to consider in relationships than their own personal desires. To ignore disrespectful behavior or let it go unchallenged (as it often is on TV) sends a message to young people that it is acceptable.

It may be difficult to judge when your child is being disrespectful to his/her peers. Many parents have the philosophy of “let the kids work things out themselves”. That may be great for empowering your own child rather than coming to your child’s rescue in peer situations, but privately (or publicly if necessary) parents still need to teach their own kids about respect and disrespect. Most schools have a “Bully Proofing” program, but no parent wants to consider their child a bully. Bullies themselves and friends of bullies don’t see themselves that way either. If they called it “Intimation Proofing”, then perhaps everyone could learn something about intimidation behaviors from “mild” intimidation to “severe” intimidation, without having to label themselves or a friend, a “bully”.

If parents don’t teach their children about respect, their main teachers will become the television set and their peers, both of which are failing our kids today. Teaching respect does not evolve by trying to force it upon someone. Rather, it is something that is modeled, taught and earned. One way for parents to model and earn respect is by treating others with respect themselves, including their own family members, even in the most challenging of circumstances. Parents can also teach their children respect by being clear to their children that “treating people with respect” is a family expectation and then challenge their children’s behavior whenever their behavior crosses the line.

The “line” is subjective and will be decided differently by every parent. When addressing a parent, it is best to find some position that allows children to express themselves, yet doesn’t allow them to name-call, swear, get physical, damage property, hurt someone, threaten someone, directly disobey or become verbally disrespectful. If a child’s behavior creeps closer and closer to the line over a period of time, it is helpful to have a discussion with him or her and take seriously the process of reversing that trend.

In the midst of a parent-child argument, often a comment is made that would require the parent to discontinue the conversation until the child can handle himself in a calmer manner. Stepping away from the argument yourself can diffuse a situation and send a message that you will not accept disrespectful behavior. If the child’s behavior calls for consequences, do not be afraid to give him reasonable consequences for disrespectful behavior. When disrespecting a parent is an issue, it is helpful to make it be less about you personally and more about teaching your child important standards for communicating with you, as well as others.

If your child has slipped into a habit of “crossing the line” without being challenged by you, it is never too late to change your expectations and rules. Inform him or her that things will be different from here on out and you are not going to allow the disrespect to continue. The child can adjust to new expectations and be better off because of them.
Responsibility

When children are taught responsibility, it has great benefits for them for the rest of their lives. Developing a sense of responsibility can positively affect a young person’s self-esteem, as well as gain respect from others, especially adults. When parents give children responsibilities at home, they are laying the groundwork for children developing responsibility for their own lives, as they get older. Taking ownership for their own lives and their own decisions reduces excuse making and increases accountability.

Responsibility is not easy to teach. Parents can expect many setbacks along the way. There may be many years that you feel your child will never internalize responsibility, but if you continue to teach responsibility as a family value, your efforts will pay off in the long run. It can be a balancing act for parents as to how much supervision, reminders and consequences to give to children, when to intervene and how high to set your expectations. As children get older, it is important to give them age appropriate tasks and readjust your expectations. If parents do this part well, then the key to success in teaching responsibility is follow-through. The best way to encourage follow-through is to do it without emotional lectures or heated arguments. If possible, it helps to treat irresponsible behavior in an objective way, rather than getting overly invested in personal feelings.

What makes being responsible difficult to learn is that quite often the follow-through for a child doing what he said he would do is tedious, boring or more challenging than he originally expected. Responsibility doesn’t mean just following through with things when they are fun, but it means following through when you’ve lost interest in the details, but someone is counting on you to do what you said you would do.

Another big challenge in teaching responsibility is to decide when to rescue your children (remind them or do one of their tasks yourself) and when not to rescue them. There is not a formula parents can follow for this, but things to take into consideration are how many times you have rescued them in the past, who would be hurt by not rescuing them, how much they appreciate you rescuing them, how much they expect you to rescue them and which decision would help them to organize their activities differently in the future to be more responsible. The more you can help them set up their own reminders or get them moving in the direction of organizing themselves in a way that they won’t need parental reminders, the better it will be for both parties.
Self-Discipline

Self-discipline is something that most parents hope to develop in their children. The ability to grow up strong enough to “Just Say No” to alcohol and other drugs begins to develop much earlier than the teenage years. Children learn to develop self-discipline over many years by: learning to control their impulses; by experiences that teach them to delay gratification; by taking responsibility and ownership for their lives; by being given structure and discipline from their parents; and by parents modeling self-discipline themselves. Parents can model self-discipline by using self-talk about something that they would rather not do, but decide to complete because of the benefits that it will bring.

Setting limits and disciplining children are not only behavior management tools for parents at a given time in a child’s life, but they can actually have benefits for a child in the long term as well. Parents who set limits can help their children learn how to control their own impulses. Those parental limits lay the groundwork for children to be able to set limits for themselves in the future.

Learning to delay gratification can be learned naturally with circumstances that arise so the next time a delay or disappointment occurs naturally, consider the experience an opportunity for your child to practice self-discipline. Empathy might truly help a child get through the experience, but resist the temptation to fix everything for your child. Parents can actually help their children practice self-discipline by setting up situations that involve delaying gratification. Giving them the choice of either getting less of something they like now (treat, free time, TV time, allowance, social activity) or more of it if they wait, is an example of teaching your child about delaying gratification. You can help a child that has difficulty making the right choice by tipping the benefits initially in the direction of delaying gratification and then gradually leveling out the choices.

Self-discipline is also developed when parents find ways to help their children take ownership of certain activities and parents shift to a supporting role for the activity. When children do demonstrate self-discipline, it can be reinforced with positive comments from parents. Helping them reflect on the good feelings that come from doing something on time or ahead of time, as well as doing something well, also reinforces self-discipline. Rewards can be an effective way to reinforce self-discipline when they are used sparingly, but bribes often work against the development of self-discipline because they take too much ownership away from the child.
Goodness

Goodness is difficult to define, but most people can recognize it when they see it. It includes kindness, humility, empathy, honor, moral excellence, and in general, high character. Goodness often pertains to how someone treats other people both in front of them and behind their backs. Goodness goes beyond being respectful and includes doing good things that no one else even knows about.

Parents can teach goodness and reinforce it by focusing on their child’s character over their child’s desires and achievements. Today, parenting has gone in the direction of being overly focused on ones own children, specifically their successes and a parent’s need for their success. Children who are the constant focus of their parent’s attention, who are over-indulged with material goods and privileges and who are not taught to think about others, may not be able to put their fingers on the problem, but know at some level that things are out of balance.

When you try to teach your child the value of goodness, it is helpful if you focus on other people, how they might feel and what might be important to them, rather than trying to perfect your child’s character. Kids know the difference between doing something to improve their own image and doing something because it is the right thing to do. Another way to teach kids about goodness is to focus on the world as a whole and how much the world needs more goodness in it.

Goodness is passed on to children by their parents primarily through modeling goodness themselves and by noticing and pointing out goodness in other people. Children, who are raised by generally “kind” people and who feel connected to them, have a really good chance of growing up to value goodness. Fortunately, for the children who aren’t as lucky, they still have the opportunity to learn goodness from other adults who come into their lives. It is important for all adults to know that they can have tremendous influence in other kids’ lives in the area of goodness by showing interest in them and showing them kindness. Goodness goes right to the heart of a child and most children are sponges for it.

Many adults are teaching tolerance in place of goodness today. Goodness has to do with treating people well and doing the right thing. Tolerance has to do with treating people well, but encourages a child to accept the comments and behaviors of everyone, regardless of the values the child has been taught. Both have to do with how we should treat people, but teaching kids goodness over tolerance often matches better with other family values.
Critical Thinking

A goal of most parents is to raise children that will be able to think for themselves and find positive solutions to problems when they arise. This does not magically happen at a certain age, but rather takes years to foster. Parents can help their children practice these skills at a very young age, simply by turning to them for ideas before pouring out their own wisdom or solutions to problems.

There are many benefits that come from children doing the problem solving themselves. In addition to becoming better thinkers, they usually take more ownership of situations, take more responsibility for themselves in general and build stronger self-esteems. Getting children to think more for themselves means less talking on the part of parents and more listening. It doesn’t mean that parents can’t offer their own suggestions, and it doesn’t mean the child’s solution to a problem will be the direction that you elect to take, but the process of a child thinking a problem through is important in itself.

Asking children to brainstorm ideas in writing or answer tough questions in writing can increase their critical thinking skills. There is something about writing that gets a person using a different part of the brain, called the prefrontal cortex, which actually increases their critical thinking. A child who keeps a journal about their thoughts or feelings can also increase their critical thinking skills. The reason critical thinking skills are important is that these are the skills involved in complex reasoning, evaluating risks, considering consequences, impulse control and planning ahead, as well as solving problems. The ability to think critically may also help children make better choices and remain safer( something that becomes even more important during the adolescent and teen years). Learning critical thinking skills is a life strategy that will benefit your child through his entire life. (See Critical Thinking Ideas for Parents or Critical Thinking Ideas for Teachers.)

Critical Thinking Ideas

For Parents

1. When problems arise, ask your children for their ideas or solutions first before giving
them your ideas and solutions. Teach them the art of brainstorming, which includes
letting ideas flow and then going back to evaluate the ideas that have been suggested.

2. Before a parent-child discussion becomes too emotional, ask your child to summarize
what your opinion is on the subject being discussed and then you summarize what
you think his/her opinion is. Both people will gain respect and credibility through
this process if they are able to demonstrate that they can listen well. Opinions can
also be confirmed and clarified by doing this and misunderstandings can quickly be discovered.

3. Reverse roles with your child in a particular discussion so they can practice thinking
about an issue from a parent’s perspective. It will give you an idea of how well your
child is able to think through an issue.

4. Ask your child to write answers to questions that you are asking him/her whenever
their verbal responses to your questions continue to be “I don’t know.” This is
especially good to use when they have behaved in a way that they can’t explain and
you need to know more about the situation. By writing answers to your questions,
they are often likely to give you more meaningful answers, as well as gain insight into
themselves.

5. Limit TV/Nintendo/Computer time. These activities do not help increase critical
thinking skills and when overused can even decrease critical thinking skills.

6. Listen more and lecture less, while still maintaining your guidance and expectations.

7. Encourage your kids to take Speech and Debate classes in Middle School or High
School (if offered).

8. Play games with your kids (especially on road trips) like: “What would you do
if….?”, “What do these two things have in common?”, “What do you think will
happen when……?”.

9. Encourage your child to keep a journal on their experiences, thoughts and ideas. The
earlier they start, the easier it will be for them to get in a habit of doing it. However, kids can start this in High School and still have it be beneficial to them.

Critical Thinking Ideas

For Schools
1. Ask student to debate different sides of issues, first from one perspective and then
switch partners and debate from the opposite perspective. You can further increase
critical thinking by asking the last group to summarize what they agreed on and what
they disagree about.

2. Ask students to debate an issue with a partner and then see how accurately they can
summarize each other’s points of view.

3. Ask kids to write on something that they are studying in class, but let them know they
won’t be graded for their grammar, sentence structure or organizational skills for this
particular assignment because it is a “thinking” assignment alone. Ask them to
answer tough questions that make them think, analyze characters and analyze
situations, as well as answer thought provoking “why” questions.

4. Ask kids to keep a journal on their thoughts about what they are personally learning
and how the knowledge affects or relates to their lives. This would be especially
good for health classes, but could be applied to other classes as well.

5. Encourage as many kids to take Speech and Debate as possible or consider making it
a required class.

6. Have guest speakers present two ways of looking at a situations. Then for an
assignment, have the students clarify their differences, as well as clarify their where
they found common
ground.

7. Surprise students after they have completed a writing assignment with a new writing
assignment of critiquing their first paper. Make the grade dependent on how well
they can critique their first paper and how well they can go a notch deeper with their
second paper.

8. Have different students choose different characters in a book and have them debate
an issue in the book, trying to stay with their character. Then to really make it
challenging, have them debate an issue that isn’t in the book, trying to analyze what
their character’s point of view might be.

9. Use the time that kids spend in the dean’s office for a violation of rules as a time to
gain personal insight. Ask them to respond in writing to questions about the violation,
the whys behind their behavior and ideas for what they might try differently in a
similar situation. (Writing helps kids think critically by causing them to use the frontal
part of their brain).
Resiliency

Why is it that some kids can have challenge after challenge in their lives and keep bouncing back and other kids can have fairly easy lives and fall apart at the first major set back? The answer is resiliency. How can parents teach their kids how to be resilient? Mostly it is taught by parents not rescuing their kids everytime they face challenges early on and instead empowering them to overcome the challenges whenever possible with hard work, determination and persistence. The attitude of never giving up can be modeled, but is also taught by not stepping in every time to keep kids from facing tough challenges.

Working through challenges openly and directly, rather than avoiding them can also develop resiliency. Some kids, who haven’t learned how to handle the challenges that come with peer relationships, including the pain that sometimes comes from rejection, can end up self-medicating themselves with alcohol or other drugs when they get older in order to simply feel better. The saddest of all are the kids that take their own lives because they have not learned how to face negative feelings (developed coping skills).

Parents can help their kids build resiliency skills one step at a time by supporting them through challenges (not removing the challenge) and letting them own the challenge so they can own their successes or at minimum, feel good about their efforts. Encouraging kids to hang in there and keep trying builds persistence, which leads to resiliency. Having a parent believe in them, rather than communicating to them just the opposite with a fearful and worried demeanor, is extremely important.

Kids can also learn about persistence and resiliency from reading autobiographies of famous people who overcame major challenges themselves. Many of those books are very inspiring and prepare kids for challenges they might face. Looking at other people’s challenges can also help kids appreciate more of what they have in their own life. Gratitude and a positive attitude can go a long ways towards increasing resiliency.

Parents should actually welcome the little challenges their children face early on because they serve the child well for developing resiliency. Unfortunately one challenge many young people have to face these days is the challenge of dealing with bullies. It is best to empower the child that is getting bullied as much as possible, building on his strengths and good qualities and letting him know you believe in him, rather than contributing to him becoming a victim. Labeling another child as a bully often gives that child even more power. Try describing bullies (without using the term) as children with challenges and problems of their own. Explain that the way they have learned to deal with their problems is by trying to intimidate others. That will shift your child’s challenge to dealing with intimidation, which will be easier to deal with than focusing on a powerful bully. Sometimes adult intervention is needed for a child’s safety, but whenever possible, allow the child that is being bullied to have little successes in dealing with as many challenges as he can. Learning to be resilient is a life strategy that will benefit your child for his entire life.
Purpose

(Serving a higher purpose than yourself)

At some point, children will want to know how their lives fit into the rest of the world. They will want to have more meaning in their lives than their daily activities. Parents can encourage this “deeper thinking” by the conversations they have with their children, the family activities they choose and even through books that are inspirational and expose them to the bigger picture. Teaching children that the world doesn’t revolve around them is a good thing for the rest of the world and a good thing for their development. Serving a higher purpose than themselves brings more purpose, meaning and passion to their lives and right along with that, happiness and joy.

A child that experiences what it is like to contribute something to someone else is so much richer than a child who does not, especially in these times when many of our children feel so entitled. A child’s positive feelings of self-esteem, value and purpose increase dramatically with meaningful volunteer work. People volunteer for different reasons. It can be out of a sense of duty and citizenship, obligation and requirements, empathy and caring or gratefulness and thankfulness. No matter what his or her motivations are, someone usually benefits from volunteer work, and our society is definitely better because of it. However, if you are a parent trying to instill in your children a sense of giving and a sense of caring from the heart, what you say and what you model is very important. You might have more success in teaching your children the value of serving and volunteering if you focus on the needs that someone else has and how their volunteering might make a difference in someone else’s life verses just highlighting why it would be good for their character to volunteer.

The more children can connect their unique talents with a specific volunteer situation, the more they will understand the importance of the contributions they can make. When children are lucky enough to find meaningful volunteers work that connects with their passions and lights their “sparks”, the more it will bring purpose to their lives. Finding a higher purpose than yourself and serving others is a win-win situation for everyone.

Teaching the 5-3-1 Focus

521 Character Traits

Critical Thinking Ideas

For Parents

Critical Thinking Ideas

For Schools